Dieting, January, 'Managed Anorexia, and my eating disorder experience

In January a lot of people start diets and want to lose weight. Recently on twitter there was a trending topic called managed anorexia. As an eating disorder sufferer, this really got to me as there is no such thing. Eating disorders are never managed, they are manipulative and destructive. Control is a key aspect of eating disorders (in general, I may add) and whenever I feel most in control of my eating, I am so far out of control I am spiralling downward so quickly I can't do anything to stop it. So I am going to tell some of my story of living with an eating disorder and explain and hopefully illustrate how easy diets and turn bad, and how eating disorders are never 'manageable'.
I am 20 (and a half) now, and I have suffered from an eating disorder for around 6 years. My eating disorder did not come about suddenly and was not initially a problem for me. I am very self conscious and always was very critical of my body. I took part in county level swimming until the age of 12 and I clearly remember being body conscious (negatively so) at this young age. I was also bullied for my appearance a lot in all of my schools, peaking in upper school (around the ages 14-16) and this confirmed my own worries about the way I looked. Initially my eating disorder came about as a way of being thinner and looking better. I weighed around 9 stone and starting cutting out meals until I lost half a stone. During this time I must also mention I was severely depressed and also self harming. Partly for this reason I think the control issue with my eating did not come until later. I began to starve myself at the weekends surviving off basically fruit and being forced to eat dinner at home, I would have been around 15.
At 16 I met a boy, and my eating got worse from here on in, not a direct causation but a mild one. I also changed schools and went from being a big fish in a small pond, to the opposite. From here on in, I began to starve myself. I would on average eat one meal a day, dinner, as it was the meal we all had as a family. The weight loss was instant, and it gave me a horrible sense of control, as though I was still suffering from low moods, I had stopped self harming at this point. I used my eating to control my moods and also to control my life where I couldn't otherwise. My weight dropped again and stabilised, because I then developed a binge eating problem. What would happen is that because I starved, I was so hungry, so after a few days, weeks, months of restriction, I would binge. Now, I never binged to the extent that I over ate, but in my head it will always be binge eating. I tended to starve, and then eat fairly normally which I termed a 'binge'. Soon I developed a completely twisted relationship with food. My failing and mentally abusive relationship with my boyfriend caused me to try and lose weight to control that and to make him love me. This didn't work. After the break up, I starved myself half a stone lighter to one of my lightest weights at around 7.13-8.1.
I must note, I was always a normal weight eating disordered person. I have never been underweight due to the fact I have periods where I eat more and then periods where I starve. This does not make the disorder 'less important'. The issue is, when I am eating more, my anxiety and negative thoughts and behaviours around food still exist. I have had a lot of trouble with treatment because I am 'normal' weight despite the impact on my body being quite significant and my eating behaviours and cognitions poor.
I might add at 17 I met a boy, and I was in the full swing of my disorder at this point, it isn't pretty. For a while everything was ok, when I left 6th form I had around 3-4 months of eating what I felt like. I felt ok in my body for once and my weight went up to around 9.4.
When I started back at uni, I tended to over eat as I became more comfortable around food. It wasn't long though before the old thoughts and behaviours came back. My weight hit 10.1 at my highest and at 5ft 2 I felt massive. I hated my body and I wanted to cut all the fat off. I tried to lose the weight healthily, but soon I was back into my old habits. I managed to get a stone off and stayed there for a while. I then went into treatment for my eating disorder weighing around 8.13. I was 19.
It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I never wanted to admit I had a problem. The starving seemed so normal to me, I had no idea of what it was like to eat normally. My guilt around food and negativity was so strong and because I was 'fat' I didn't think I qualified for treatment. I wasn't 'good enough' at my eating disorder. Which is one of the key things my disorder is about.
So now I am still in treatment. My eating disorder has gotten bad again. I eat on a bad day, around half a meal depending if anyone is at home for dinner. On a good day I might eat two meals and some snacks. I am at my lowest weight since I left 6th form. My anxieties around food are mixed, most days they are high, as is my general anxiety. I still suffer greatly with body dysmorphia. I have no concept of what my body looks like. I think I look so so big. I have never known anything different. I would love to see my body for what it is. I would love to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I would love to forget every calorie I have ever read. I would love to be able to eat food and have it not upset my stomach. I'd love to have a metabolism. I'd love to have energy. I'd love not to sleep for around 12 hours. I'd love to be able to digest food properly. I'd love for my irrational mind not to mess things up. I'd love to be able to control my life properly and not through food. I'd LOVE to be free of my disorder.
IT HAS NEVER BEEN MANAGED.
Eating disorders destroy lives and they KILL.
1 in 10 with anorexia die.
The recovery rate for eating disorders is very very low. Most go on to develop another form of eating disorder and many never recover.
I fear this will be me
More than that, I fear I will past it on if I have children.
Eating disorders are not manageable.
There is no form in which they can be controlled.
If there was, they would not be disorders.

I'd give anything to get rid of my eating disorder and whilst I am trying it is the most difficult thing of my life, and it is likely I will have some form of disordered eating for the rest of my life. I just hope my metabolism and stomach will recover.
For me, my metabolism will take between a 6 months at the very least to up to 2 years to fully recover. Since I have been at this so long, and my body has no idea when it will be fed next, it's likely to be on the longer end for me.

My eating disorder has taken so much from me, and those promoting any eating disorder as manageable is a liar.
I would have probably developed an eating disorder despite the bullying and things, as I am that way inclined but, I do know that the media, peer pressure, bullying and dieting can all be triggers.
In January there is a huge push towards thin being 'good'. This is pushed by diet companies. Companies that do not care if you develop a disorder, who care about making money.
Sure dieting can be healthy.
But it can also be unhealthy.

I'd rather be fat and happy with my body than endlessly trying to be thinner (and not even be able to see it).

Thank you.


x

2011

Hello, it has been a while since I posted, a lot has happened and I have been away for Christmas and stuff but I thought I should start the new year and try and start posting regularly again.
So a new year, I have set myself some resolutions these are: get tattooed, get pierced, get a job, and start training for the 2012 marathon. Last year was pretty shit for me to be honest, and I am pretty much ready to move on.
This year has already been good, things have been sorted, I have been right, and prospects look good. I am sick of being the underdog, and I am sick of doing what others think I should do. I want to make step this year towards finding out what I want to do with my life, and work towards achieving that. I am going to be graduating in 6 months time, and I am very excited as I am sick of being at university. As much as I adore psychology, my friends and the whole university lifestyle, I am sick of being poor and I do want to start being an adult. To be honest, I never thought this day would come as I love education but I think I need a break before I think about going back to do a masters or a second degree (which is on the cards, trust me).
I want to be so much more than what I am now, I don't want to regret not going for what I love, and though that may not be sensible, I'd rather chase my dreams than just let them die. I am going to fight in 2011, for myself mainly. This is my year, and I hope it will be yours too.
You have to do what you want to do, to get the life you want for yourself regardless of the past.
I'm going to go for it and in 2012 you will see me taking time off from my job, running my marathon, tattooed and pierced a little bit more. If you don't, I'll be doing something equally exciting, because I don't want to live a life to regret when I am old.
Fuck it :)
Man up.
Do it.

x

Depression

Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain

I have found it hard to write this blog post, I will be honest and admit I still suffer from depression and thus the post will not have a happy ending unfortunately. I have been depressed most of my life, but I clearly remember these feelings from 14 onwards. This gives me over 6 years with near constant low mood. I cannot pin point one thing that made me this way, I do believe I am genetically inclined to be this way as depression as well as other mental health issues run in my family on both sides. Depression is often described as an intense feeling of sadness, and whilst this is quite true, I feel there is more to it than just this.  There is lots of diagnostic criteria that is related, but I don't want to talk about that, as it is clinical and boring.

I will mention that whilst I am clinically diagnosed with depression, I am not actively in treatment for it at the moment or taking medication to control my moods.

Depression for me, is a weight. A weight I carry in my chest and my stomach. It feels heavy and empty at the same time, and it feels like it is clouding over every good moment. It stops you eating, as you no longer feel hungry for anything. The sadness seems to occupy every space of your mind, eating away at anything good, twisting it into something bad. Personally, I am very self hateful as a depressed person, I know others who are outwardly hateful. I feel like a ghost, moving through the real world with no experience of it.  I feel numb to everything, other than this one feeling of utter despair. I am in my own plane, observing a world I don't quite feel part of, or good enough to be part of. 

This feeling takes over, limbs want to stay in bed never to see the light of day again. I clearly remember one morning when I was around 15, literally being too depressed to go anywhere. I was so consumed by these feelings that I couldn't do anything. Happiness is something I feel eludes me, but I fear it is my own fault due to my depression. I have moments of happiness throughout my life, but they always seem dimmed by this ever present figure of depression. This has before driven me to the point of rock bottom. Rock bottom is not pretty. There is nothing more horrific than sitting on your floor with the knife, on the bath side with the pills or standing waiting to jump. It is not about death, it is an escape. At escape from the prison of fear and misery, self loathing and utter despair. It is about relief. For me, it was also about not deserving to live. I have very low self esteem, and with depression, all bad things were twisted into being my fault. I am to blame for everything. I should be perfect, I am not, I am a disappointment. The dialogue goes on. I do not deserve to live, life is wasted on me, I am wasting their time, it would be better if I was gone. 

For me, there has always been this theme of not being good enough, and self blame for everything. This carried throughout my depression, into other issues such as anxiety, self harm and an eating disorder. I crave perfection and yet, cannot obtain it. I am a failure. I don't often ask for help, because I am scared of 'bothering' someone and ruining their day/night/life. Relationships have been hard, as I have never been 'happy enough' and I can see how hard it is to be with someone who is chronically depressed. It takes a lot to deal with. I never thought I would make it past 16, so I am doing ok I think, but I would be lying if I said everything is ok now. 

I can deal with it, as it is something I am used to. I am attempting to recover from various other issues, but my depression is still very much an impact on my life. It stops me going out occasionally and has made me very ill in the recent past. It is an emotional and physical strain like no other, literally it feels like you are being torn apart from the inside out. 

I wish I could better explain it, but it is something you only know if you have ever felt that way. It is horrific, like the light will never come. It is wanting to curl up and never emerge. It is like being a ghost.

x

Sheepish Hello.

Been a while right, I've had a bit of a rough few months which has seemed to have accumulated in a mild breakdown and thus blogging was not a huge priority.
So, yeah. I am planning on writing a few very personal blogs soon, about some of my experiences with mental illness and try to explain what going though these things is like. I really want to do this as I study mental health and the phenomenology of these illnesses is very objective and easy to misinterpret. I'd like to shed some light into that.
My life has not been that exciting really, I've been going out, met some nice new people. Got money stolen, sang karaoke, drove drunken people home, attracted creepers, the usual sort of things. Oh and I have somehow managed to do university work too.

Yeah so.
Stay tuned.

x

Update

Daily posting and thus NaBloPoMo will not be happening for me. I have more uni work than I expected and I am dealing with some other things going on in my life that are getting in the way of blogging. If I am going to write this, I want it to be interesting and well thought out, not just crap typed in 5 minutes as I have to be off to do work of some sort.

I hope you'll come back to read when things are calmer.

x

Ill

I'm sick again, so just a quick post, saying I'm sick, again!
x

Money Woes!

Hello nice people who read my daily rambles. Today is a ramble about how I am useless with money, and as a consequence am now nice a settled into the dregs of my overdraft. I have NO income, at all and my shitty bank are shit (HSBC) and will not increase my overdraft, even though I have kept my 1st year limit, and have always had an income previous to this year. So yeah, I am basically pooing myself, as I am off to the clothes show in a few weeks, also I have 2 birthdays and a few more christmas presents to buy. So this will be an interesting few weeks for me. I am lucky in that I am getting money for christmas presents because I am so poor, so with any luck, I will not be destitute for long.
If I was any good with money, this wouldn't have happened, but I'm not unfortunately. Well I have been these past few months, as I have noticed my balance getting lower and lower. And now, I am officially worried, I haven't maxed out my overdraft yet, but yeah. I am an idiot...one that shouldn't spend money she doesn't have. SO. The next 6 months is going to be scrimping, to get out of this overdraft so that I can tell my bank where to shove their student bank account. I have applied for 3 jobs as the one I have has no work going at the moment.
If anyone has a sure fire way that I can make a few grand, hit me up with your ideas, I damn well need them. Might become a pop star, or a high end prostitute. Same difference.

LOVE YOU.

x