Dieting, January, 'Managed Anorexia, and my eating disorder experience

In January a lot of people start diets and want to lose weight. Recently on twitter there was a trending topic called managed anorexia. As an eating disorder sufferer, this really got to me as there is no such thing. Eating disorders are never managed, they are manipulative and destructive. Control is a key aspect of eating disorders (in general, I may add) and whenever I feel most in control of my eating, I am so far out of control I am spiralling downward so quickly I can't do anything to stop it. So I am going to tell some of my story of living with an eating disorder and explain and hopefully illustrate how easy diets and turn bad, and how eating disorders are never 'manageable'.
I am 20 (and a half) now, and I have suffered from an eating disorder for around 6 years. My eating disorder did not come about suddenly and was not initially a problem for me. I am very self conscious and always was very critical of my body. I took part in county level swimming until the age of 12 and I clearly remember being body conscious (negatively so) at this young age. I was also bullied for my appearance a lot in all of my schools, peaking in upper school (around the ages 14-16) and this confirmed my own worries about the way I looked. Initially my eating disorder came about as a way of being thinner and looking better. I weighed around 9 stone and starting cutting out meals until I lost half a stone. During this time I must also mention I was severely depressed and also self harming. Partly for this reason I think the control issue with my eating did not come until later. I began to starve myself at the weekends surviving off basically fruit and being forced to eat dinner at home, I would have been around 15.
At 16 I met a boy, and my eating got worse from here on in, not a direct causation but a mild one. I also changed schools and went from being a big fish in a small pond, to the opposite. From here on in, I began to starve myself. I would on average eat one meal a day, dinner, as it was the meal we all had as a family. The weight loss was instant, and it gave me a horrible sense of control, as though I was still suffering from low moods, I had stopped self harming at this point. I used my eating to control my moods and also to control my life where I couldn't otherwise. My weight dropped again and stabilised, because I then developed a binge eating problem. What would happen is that because I starved, I was so hungry, so after a few days, weeks, months of restriction, I would binge. Now, I never binged to the extent that I over ate, but in my head it will always be binge eating. I tended to starve, and then eat fairly normally which I termed a 'binge'. Soon I developed a completely twisted relationship with food. My failing and mentally abusive relationship with my boyfriend caused me to try and lose weight to control that and to make him love me. This didn't work. After the break up, I starved myself half a stone lighter to one of my lightest weights at around 7.13-8.1.
I must note, I was always a normal weight eating disordered person. I have never been underweight due to the fact I have periods where I eat more and then periods where I starve. This does not make the disorder 'less important'. The issue is, when I am eating more, my anxiety and negative thoughts and behaviours around food still exist. I have had a lot of trouble with treatment because I am 'normal' weight despite the impact on my body being quite significant and my eating behaviours and cognitions poor.
I might add at 17 I met a boy, and I was in the full swing of my disorder at this point, it isn't pretty. For a while everything was ok, when I left 6th form I had around 3-4 months of eating what I felt like. I felt ok in my body for once and my weight went up to around 9.4.
When I started back at uni, I tended to over eat as I became more comfortable around food. It wasn't long though before the old thoughts and behaviours came back. My weight hit 10.1 at my highest and at 5ft 2 I felt massive. I hated my body and I wanted to cut all the fat off. I tried to lose the weight healthily, but soon I was back into my old habits. I managed to get a stone off and stayed there for a while. I then went into treatment for my eating disorder weighing around 8.13. I was 19.
It was the most terrifying experience of my life. I never wanted to admit I had a problem. The starving seemed so normal to me, I had no idea of what it was like to eat normally. My guilt around food and negativity was so strong and because I was 'fat' I didn't think I qualified for treatment. I wasn't 'good enough' at my eating disorder. Which is one of the key things my disorder is about.
So now I am still in treatment. My eating disorder has gotten bad again. I eat on a bad day, around half a meal depending if anyone is at home for dinner. On a good day I might eat two meals and some snacks. I am at my lowest weight since I left 6th form. My anxieties around food are mixed, most days they are high, as is my general anxiety. I still suffer greatly with body dysmorphia. I have no concept of what my body looks like. I think I look so so big. I have never known anything different. I would love to see my body for what it is. I would love to be able to eat without feeling guilty. I would love to forget every calorie I have ever read. I would love to be able to eat food and have it not upset my stomach. I'd love to have a metabolism. I'd love to have energy. I'd love not to sleep for around 12 hours. I'd love to be able to digest food properly. I'd love for my irrational mind not to mess things up. I'd love to be able to control my life properly and not through food. I'd LOVE to be free of my disorder.
IT HAS NEVER BEEN MANAGED.
Eating disorders destroy lives and they KILL.
1 in 10 with anorexia die.
The recovery rate for eating disorders is very very low. Most go on to develop another form of eating disorder and many never recover.
I fear this will be me
More than that, I fear I will past it on if I have children.
Eating disorders are not manageable.
There is no form in which they can be controlled.
If there was, they would not be disorders.

I'd give anything to get rid of my eating disorder and whilst I am trying it is the most difficult thing of my life, and it is likely I will have some form of disordered eating for the rest of my life. I just hope my metabolism and stomach will recover.
For me, my metabolism will take between a 6 months at the very least to up to 2 years to fully recover. Since I have been at this so long, and my body has no idea when it will be fed next, it's likely to be on the longer end for me.

My eating disorder has taken so much from me, and those promoting any eating disorder as manageable is a liar.
I would have probably developed an eating disorder despite the bullying and things, as I am that way inclined but, I do know that the media, peer pressure, bullying and dieting can all be triggers.
In January there is a huge push towards thin being 'good'. This is pushed by diet companies. Companies that do not care if you develop a disorder, who care about making money.
Sure dieting can be healthy.
But it can also be unhealthy.

I'd rather be fat and happy with my body than endlessly trying to be thinner (and not even be able to see it).

Thank you.


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