I owe all of you more than I could ever put into words, but I think now is right to write this. Some of you I have known now for longer than I care to remember! I have been so lucky to have these people in my life and I think they should know that. I am lucky just to know them, and even more so to be so close to these people. Most people think they are odd N. I am so glad we have found our friendship again. It's fantastic talking to you again and it is sad that we just realised how well we still got on just when you had to go away! You are fantastic and have helped me through so many difficult times recently, you know everything that is going on and you are one of the people I can tell literally everything too, regardless of importance. Z. I have known you through everything. Through the shit and fabulousness of the schools. You know me better than anyone, and I love you so much you would not believe. There is no one who makes me laugh like you, and the stupid memories we have together (pumpkin cake!) make me miss the time we used to spend together. You are elusive, but it's ok, because even if it has been months, it seems like no time has passed when we meet up. C. dear lord, I love you so much. You are mad and loud and outgoing and just fab. There is no one like you and there never will be! I don't think the world could handle it, but you truly are a gorgeous person throughout. M. You are epic, you have seals dressed as other things, for that reason alone, you are just epic. Seriously, you are adorable and so funny. T. I only spent some of 1st year with you, but because you are so lovely and cuddly and everything you became a fixture in my life. You introduced me to a pub nicer than the scAbington and when the shit hit the fan, you were there for me. A. I still have no idea how I am friends with you, but to be honest, I am so glad that I am. Your sense of humour is truly fantastic, and you are one of the most talented people I know. All those car journeys home from the pub will stick for a long time, and I will never be able to drive past that chinese again without being reminded of a still drunk/hungover, sleep deprived you. Sherif J. epic times at 6th form, further epic times outside of it. Not only are you fantastic when drunk, when sober, you are still willing to see a mildly neurotic post-break up me, which is nice. I will also never forget your face as you walked into my house one Halloween to see a 6ft lad dressed as a lady in fishnets or the millions of times you called him your life partner last time we were at the pub!
I have been so lucky to have friends that I can count on. At university I have met some of the most amazing people I ever could, and people who are just as neurotic as I am. H. you are simply amazing and lovely and gorgeous. S. you make me laugh so much, your spongebob obsession, and how keen you are, and also how we both sit in the crack of love. N. you are so strong, even though you might not think you are. You are girly and sweet and strong, it's gorgeous.
Other N. I know things didn't work out with us, but you are lovely, and sweet and funny, and I am so looking forward to building a friendship between us despite what happened otherwise.
T. remember band practice with Hairy Pork? You are so sweet, it's sad that you are up North, but you know, bad things happen to good people.
M. I have known you since that crappy Academy school. You are one of my best friends and I treasure you so much. Despite the fact we have argued when we were younger, it is so nice to have a close friendship with you even though you are far away. I love being a part of your life, and I hope you like still being a part of mine. You know me so well, and you know everything, you always have. I am so lucky to still have you in my life despite school changes, uni etc.
I could carry on, but to be honest, I'd be repeating myself. My friends are one of the key reasons I am still here and regardless of whether I have known them 10 or 2 years. I love them all dearly. I be perfectly honest, I lost a lot of friends and gained friends who now I don't know what I would do without. For me it's not how often I see them, it's just how good it is when I do see them, and the fact that we still manage to stay in contact despite distance and work and uni and everything. I'm so lucky as I never found a reason to like myself, but these people found something that I didn't see, and for that I am eternally grateful.
This is a bit of an odd post I know, but I have been thinking about it for a while, as you rarely get an opportunity to say these sorts of things.
Love.
x
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Saturday, 20 November 2010
I AM A TERRIBLE BLOGGER
Ahh right, yesterday I was fully intending to brighten (murder) someones day by blogging. HOWEVER, I forgot I was going up north for some birthday family related things, and so it ended up out the window as did my internet. I am DISGRACEFUL. So here is a quick Saturday blog. I actually have no idea what I am really on about so I will tell you about my eventful (boring) yesterday.
SO. I went to university, and had a lecture on mediums. Which to be honest, was pretty sucky however we did get to watch a video in our seminar about some cold readers and stuff. Seriously, it's not hard and people proper fall for it. There were also some twins, one who went into a trance and contacted a dude called Blue Mountain, I must admit, it's pretty amusing. However, the module is parapsychology, and in this short video included only one instance of a dude going into a house where a woman supposedly saw spirits by her bed. They conducted some field work but didn't see anything. The cold reader medium however did. It's very interesting how quickly he works, our lecturer had seen him in person and he says all the same generic things and does 'automatic drawing' of a person in these spiritualist churches. The person he draws, is always the same, it is a genetic old person! Parapsychology is a bit of a looked down upon subject but I have to admit it is interesting to see how these so called paranormal activities can be researched and interpreted to appear as normal. Also it is interesting to see that some cannot be explained in terms of normal means.
So yeah, then I missed a lecture on depression (as I know far too much about the symptoms and diagnosis) and went to Chester to surprise my sister as she is 30 and had gone up there with her partner and son so we surprised her, had a few bevvys and then complained about the lack of phone signal in the North.
Also I am half way through the first final fantasy game, which is AWESOME.
Yeah so, there we go.
Love
x
SO. I went to university, and had a lecture on mediums. Which to be honest, was pretty sucky however we did get to watch a video in our seminar about some cold readers and stuff. Seriously, it's not hard and people proper fall for it. There were also some twins, one who went into a trance and contacted a dude called Blue Mountain, I must admit, it's pretty amusing. However, the module is parapsychology, and in this short video included only one instance of a dude going into a house where a woman supposedly saw spirits by her bed. They conducted some field work but didn't see anything. The cold reader medium however did. It's very interesting how quickly he works, our lecturer had seen him in person and he says all the same generic things and does 'automatic drawing' of a person in these spiritualist churches. The person he draws, is always the same, it is a genetic old person! Parapsychology is a bit of a looked down upon subject but I have to admit it is interesting to see how these so called paranormal activities can be researched and interpreted to appear as normal. Also it is interesting to see that some cannot be explained in terms of normal means.
So yeah, then I missed a lecture on depression (as I know far too much about the symptoms and diagnosis) and went to Chester to surprise my sister as she is 30 and had gone up there with her partner and son so we surprised her, had a few bevvys and then complained about the lack of phone signal in the North.
Also I am half way through the first final fantasy game, which is AWESOME.
Yeah so, there we go.
Love
x
Thursday, 18 November 2010
The Mental Health Service
This will be a quick post today as I am off out. But I thought I should share an experience I had yesterday with the mental health service in my town.
I am currently under the care of the eating disorders service but I must add I suffer from bad anxiety and depression. Now I go for a follow up meeting as things have been going really badly for me, so basically this appointment has been cancelled...twice about 2 months ago I was meant to have this. This is after they forgot about me all month as 'they went on holiday'. Not only this but I have had so many appointments cancelled and moved as I am 'not urgent'. Now I was told by the psychologist that I shouldn't take this personally. Now I have had a fucking rough time the past 6 months, and they have been very aware of this. I wonder now what it takes to be urgent. I told them that this neglect from the service has basically made me want to be thinner as I am normal weight eating disorder sufferer. The service should be there to help me urgent or not, and to me, things have been urgent but because I was not about to kill myself, I was counted as being 'safe' to do this too.
In addition to this, I told them that I was still struggling to eat regularly and though I gained back a bit of the weight I lost, I still have been losing weight. I was told that they have given me everything they could and that I should be doing all the work to just make it happen. Ok well, by 'everything' we mean one 6 week behavioural course, with me going once every 3 weeks and then once every 2 weeks so this course lasted quite a while, but it was only an hour a time. So yeah. They have given me all the tools, so if I am not using them, it's my fault I am like this. Nice. I told them I felt like this, and they said there was nothing more they could do.
I told them my anxiety is getting really really bad. I get one of two options. 1. A wellbeing service, focused on CBT (google it) and I have done this before, I hated it, and it was horrible for me as my psychologist was always half an hour late, and told me I didn't want to get better as I wasn't trying hard enough (I was in tears at this point...) to get better. 2. I can do one 2 morning course.
I have suffered with anxiety for over 6 years.
2 mornings.
Of CBT
which I have done before
and which I know is short term from not only experience but also from the perspective of a psychology student.
When I say this, I am patronised, and they ask me what I want. I thought they were meant to help me, not just give me limited options. They are underfunded, but that doesn't help me, as selfish as that is.
I am made to feel ungrateful, but I don't want to do a course that is a waste of mine and someone else's time, especially when there is someone who may be better suited for their course.
They never once have tried to help with my depression, despite the fact I mention it every time I go to my follow ups.
I told them last time I had started self harming again (they know this is BAD for me, as I rarely do this except when I really cannot cope anymore) and they never mentioned it again, or treated me like it was serious other than whether I could self treat the injuries and wasn't using dirty things to cut.
oh.
My friend got a letter from the same service basically saying they had done all they could, and she wasn't better, so there was nothing they could do.
I'm starting to worry I'll get that too.
I know that I should WANT this and I do, and I am trying. But they should be trying to help me, not just saying that they have done what they can, and that if I am not doing it right, that it is my fault.
They just cover their backs.
They don't give a fuck.
Because I am not about to die, they don't give a fuck.
I told them this, they told me it was irrational and I know this. But if I was being treated better and not being told that I was 'forgotten' over the summer, as well as 'not urgent' maybe it would be easier.
I spoke to other people using the same service and when I told them I had been pushed aside more than once for urgent out-patient treatment, they said it was shocking and reiterated with what I said.
As this said to me, that I need to be urgent to get the treatment I need.
I know someone who had to tell the doctor she was going to kill herself, just so she could see a psychiatrist.
Also I haven't been treated formally (like cognitive, behavioural etc work) since...spring time. It's been a massive gap and I have only seen my key worker twice since then.
both times things were going down hill and still no service.
I have been abandoned by the very service trying to help me, and frankly I am disgusted.
They told me not to take it so personally on numerous occasions, but to be honest, it's insulting.
Even my parents who are normally quite laid back about these things were disgusted.
I'm eating now. Out of fucking spite. But to be honest, that's not right.
They have had the audacity to tell me I didn't want to recover before, even when I came to them first. Now I want this more than anything, and they are telling me that I am not trying hard enough, as they have...
Yeah..
x
I am currently under the care of the eating disorders service but I must add I suffer from bad anxiety and depression. Now I go for a follow up meeting as things have been going really badly for me, so basically this appointment has been cancelled...twice about 2 months ago I was meant to have this. This is after they forgot about me all month as 'they went on holiday'. Not only this but I have had so many appointments cancelled and moved as I am 'not urgent'. Now I was told by the psychologist that I shouldn't take this personally. Now I have had a fucking rough time the past 6 months, and they have been very aware of this. I wonder now what it takes to be urgent. I told them that this neglect from the service has basically made me want to be thinner as I am normal weight eating disorder sufferer. The service should be there to help me urgent or not, and to me, things have been urgent but because I was not about to kill myself, I was counted as being 'safe' to do this too.
In addition to this, I told them that I was still struggling to eat regularly and though I gained back a bit of the weight I lost, I still have been losing weight. I was told that they have given me everything they could and that I should be doing all the work to just make it happen. Ok well, by 'everything' we mean one 6 week behavioural course, with me going once every 3 weeks and then once every 2 weeks so this course lasted quite a while, but it was only an hour a time. So yeah. They have given me all the tools, so if I am not using them, it's my fault I am like this. Nice. I told them I felt like this, and they said there was nothing more they could do.
I told them my anxiety is getting really really bad. I get one of two options. 1. A wellbeing service, focused on CBT (google it) and I have done this before, I hated it, and it was horrible for me as my psychologist was always half an hour late, and told me I didn't want to get better as I wasn't trying hard enough (I was in tears at this point...) to get better. 2. I can do one 2 morning course.
I have suffered with anxiety for over 6 years.
2 mornings.
Of CBT
which I have done before
and which I know is short term from not only experience but also from the perspective of a psychology student.
When I say this, I am patronised, and they ask me what I want. I thought they were meant to help me, not just give me limited options. They are underfunded, but that doesn't help me, as selfish as that is.
I am made to feel ungrateful, but I don't want to do a course that is a waste of mine and someone else's time, especially when there is someone who may be better suited for their course.
They never once have tried to help with my depression, despite the fact I mention it every time I go to my follow ups.
I told them last time I had started self harming again (they know this is BAD for me, as I rarely do this except when I really cannot cope anymore) and they never mentioned it again, or treated me like it was serious other than whether I could self treat the injuries and wasn't using dirty things to cut.
oh.
My friend got a letter from the same service basically saying they had done all they could, and she wasn't better, so there was nothing they could do.
I'm starting to worry I'll get that too.
I know that I should WANT this and I do, and I am trying. But they should be trying to help me, not just saying that they have done what they can, and that if I am not doing it right, that it is my fault.
They just cover their backs.
They don't give a fuck.
Because I am not about to die, they don't give a fuck.
I told them this, they told me it was irrational and I know this. But if I was being treated better and not being told that I was 'forgotten' over the summer, as well as 'not urgent' maybe it would be easier.
I spoke to other people using the same service and when I told them I had been pushed aside more than once for urgent out-patient treatment, they said it was shocking and reiterated with what I said.
As this said to me, that I need to be urgent to get the treatment I need.
I know someone who had to tell the doctor she was going to kill herself, just so she could see a psychiatrist.
Also I haven't been treated formally (like cognitive, behavioural etc work) since...spring time. It's been a massive gap and I have only seen my key worker twice since then.
both times things were going down hill and still no service.
I have been abandoned by the very service trying to help me, and frankly I am disgusted.
They told me not to take it so personally on numerous occasions, but to be honest, it's insulting.
Even my parents who are normally quite laid back about these things were disgusted.
I'm eating now. Out of fucking spite. But to be honest, that's not right.
They have had the audacity to tell me I didn't want to recover before, even when I came to them first. Now I want this more than anything, and they are telling me that I am not trying hard enough, as they have...
Yeah..
x
Sorry!
I am very sorry for not posting yesterday, I have been sick and then I went out and I didn't sleep until 4 and stuff. I am a BAD blogger. I might not write a bit post today as I am battling a 3 day headache and stuff.
Love
x
Love
x
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
Essays
Hey Essay. I know I have been ignoring you for a while, going out and partying and keeping busy. I just needed to get you out of my head. But I can't lie to you baby. I have missed you. The tip tap of the keys as I start to write you. The movement from introduction to critical evaluation. Essay baby, there is no one who can do it like you. I've missed that we used to research together, supporting each other and getting through those long nights. You make me feel clever, and our relationship cannot be ignored anymore. I'm willing to work for it. I had forgotten how much I loved you. I can't get you out of my head. The way that you let me say whatever I want and the way you make me sound intelligent. The time we spend together may not be as long as you or I hope, but I am so sorry for abandoning you. To be back with you is amazing, you allow me to be intelliectual and creative without calling me a nerd. You don't mind me taking the odd break. But you know that I'll always come back to you. I know we have deadlines, but that doesn't mean we can't be together and enjoy the time we have. I've missed you. Glad to have you back essay, this year will be more epic than the last. We get to spend at least 10,000 words together.
Love.
x
Love.
x
Monday, 15 November 2010
Hope
Hope. Hope is everything, isn't it? It's everything we want, the things we wish for, and the things we dream about and the things we want, however big or small.
Hope is so important. Some more than others have had those times, where there is no hope. A lack of hope can be the knife edge between being here, and being gone. Which is terrifying but hope is the thing, as awful as that situation is, which allows us to save ourself.
We hope for stupid things, and serious things. Hope is an integral part of our lives, and without it, life can be dark and the future bleak. Hope however, is that vague thought, that it won't last forever and that the future is far brighter than the present.
Hope is many different things for many different people, hope is God, hope is family, friends, loved ones, hope is the dog, hope is seeing the sunrise, hope is one good thing amongst the bad, hope is the light at the end of the tunnel, hope is music, hope is poetry, art and singing, hope is driving at 12am and finding what you were looking for, hope is txt messages saying not to be scared, hope is a friendly face an a bleak day, hope is everything and everywhere.
But hope can be so elusive. It is only thing to hope for a better future, but in order to secure that regardless of how small or big you hope, steps have to be taken (however small and shaky). It's easy to say you hope for something but so much harder to do something about it. I think the first step is writing it down. Whilst I am on this topic it is worth checking out http://fieldofdreamsproject.tumblr.com/ and also http://twitter.com/FieldofDreamser
These are both run by the the writer of Bangsandabun.com (which I might add is a fantastic blog).
If you build it, they will come. Cheesy, but has a whole lot of truth.
As big or as small are the things we hope for, any step towards it, is a progress and a step forward from hoping to having.
Hope is everything, it moves us forward and keeps us going.
Without it, I fear the best people in my life wouldn't be here, and neither would I.
Hope is everything.
To name drop again, in terms of issues, To Write Love On Her Arms is a fantastic organisation giving hope for those suffering with depression, self injury, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction and similar problems. When you are suffering with any sort of problem, hope can be so elusive, but it is projects and organisations like these which help fuel that light at the end of the tunnel, and can keep us moving forward instead of static.
Love.
x
But hope can be so elusive. It is only thing to hope for a better future, but in order to secure that regardless of how small or big you hope, steps have to be taken (however small and shaky). It's easy to say you hope for something but so much harder to do something about it. I think the first step is writing it down. Whilst I am on this topic it is worth checking out http://fieldofdreamsproject.tumblr.com/ and also http://twitter.com/FieldofDreamser
These are both run by the the writer of Bangsandabun.com (which I might add is a fantastic blog).
If you build it, they will come. Cheesy, but has a whole lot of truth.
As big or as small are the things we hope for, any step towards it, is a progress and a step forward from hoping to having.
Hope is everything, it moves us forward and keeps us going.
Without it, I fear the best people in my life wouldn't be here, and neither would I.
Hope is everything.
To name drop again, in terms of issues, To Write Love On Her Arms is a fantastic organisation giving hope for those suffering with depression, self injury, anxiety, eating disorders, addiction and similar problems. When you are suffering with any sort of problem, hope can be so elusive, but it is projects and organisations like these which help fuel that light at the end of the tunnel, and can keep us moving forward instead of static.
Love.
x
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Sickness still and shopping
Hello! I am still really I'll but I will try and just do a little post today.
Basically I am writing about anxiety in food shopping. The short story is I have an eating disorder, and I am in out patient recovery for it. But today is not the time to discuss that story. In addition to this I am just an anxious person.
Food shopping thus, is a HELL for me. I spend like hours wandering round, panicking about what to buy, whether it is ok to buy that more than something else, I get scared that I will forget something. I get scared just about buying the food, because I have to eat it. I get scared that I will buy lots and lots of food and eat it and get fat. Seriously, it's awful. It's the worst thing ever. And I have had to go twice in two days because I just cannot cope with planning ahead with food, or then I will panic about it then!
Ahhh it's awful.
But yeah today I had to go and do that. Drag myself to do my face and hair to look like a human, and then drag myself to do the horror of food shopping. And then I fell asleep! And did nothing else other than watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks, QI and Have I Got News for You. good stuff.
But I am still poorly, hopefully I will be more able to write an interesting post tomorrow :)
x
Basically I am writing about anxiety in food shopping. The short story is I have an eating disorder, and I am in out patient recovery for it. But today is not the time to discuss that story. In addition to this I am just an anxious person.
Food shopping thus, is a HELL for me. I spend like hours wandering round, panicking about what to buy, whether it is ok to buy that more than something else, I get scared that I will forget something. I get scared just about buying the food, because I have to eat it. I get scared that I will buy lots and lots of food and eat it and get fat. Seriously, it's awful. It's the worst thing ever. And I have had to go twice in two days because I just cannot cope with planning ahead with food, or then I will panic about it then!
Ahhh it's awful.
But yeah today I had to go and do that. Drag myself to do my face and hair to look like a human, and then drag myself to do the horror of food shopping. And then I fell asleep! And did nothing else other than watch Never Mind the Buzzcocks, QI and Have I Got News for You. good stuff.
But I am still poorly, hopefully I will be more able to write an interesting post tomorrow :)
x
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